This is not my ceiling
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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