Pappa wants mamma naked
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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