Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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