On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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