it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
