I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
false alarm. still invincible.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
