I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
