Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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