Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
