Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
