a queef is a wish your heart makes.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
