need another drink. this is the easiest way
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Randomize
