Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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