Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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