I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
