I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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