Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Randomize
