Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
