ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
