two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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