so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
