I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
