does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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