somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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