nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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