My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
