Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
God gave him joint rollers for hands
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
