omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He kissed a someone with a penis
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
