oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
