I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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