And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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