My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
her facebook's as public as her vagina
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I love you.
Bad choice
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