he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
