A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
