If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
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The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
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That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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