the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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