No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
