I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
