either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
