"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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