I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
