it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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