Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
