nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
not ubering you a puppy
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
