His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
