i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
These 23 People Had Coworkers From Hell
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.