I just pynch a tree in the face
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
