this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
