The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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