I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
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And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
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You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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