I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
ugly people sure do ruin things
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
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She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
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Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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