if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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